I started working when sonny was 7 months old... Its been about 4 months now.. Though I am not working very long hours, I am still always ridden with the guilt of not spending enough time with him. My parents and father-in-law are with us... So he is dotted by 3 grandparents when my husband and I are away.... Somehow I still feel the need to be around to look after him..
I feel soooo guilty when on few occassions that I am really tired I wish sonny and I catch up some sleep in the evening instead of playing or going to the park. I feel soooo guilty when sonny wants to play with me in the morning and when its time for me to leave to work I just hand him over to my mother and leave... I am faced with the question of to work or not to work every single day... Sometimes I feel I will be a better mom if I am working... I did not get any kind of support from my husband the first 7 months I was at home and was longing for some company...
He wouldn't even care to spend some time in having a conversation with me or taking me and sonny out on weekends.
But I cheered up so much when I got back to work, met friends and socialised and am a happier person when I get back home...
And the pay check of course... I will not get money from my husband if he feels something does not have to be bought... As long as I am earning I have the ability to do things that I feel are a must must for the home... Ex: Glass casing a balcony to dry clothes during the rains, buying a pulley kind of cloth stand instead of struggling with sticks to dry clothes on rods high up in the balcony, etc, etc.. There are so many instances where I have bot things with my money to ease our life when husband would not agree to spend. I know I am trying to get the best of both worlds... A pay check and the ability to stay at home...Guess I need to explore some other career options as well :)
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
How do I set things right ?
My life is in a complete mess at the moment.. And my mind is craving for some peace.
I am feeling so uncomfortable in the comforts of my own home.. I am having all that someone could ask for yet I am feeling that everything is wrong... Someone please help me sort the mess for I am going insane...
I got back to work last month... My sonny who is now 8 months still needs a lot of my time and attention... My parents are here with me to help me take care of sonny...
I initially wanted to take a break from work for a couple of years and be a stay at home mom..
But one reason why I had to get back was the huge mortgages that we have forced upon ourselves with buying a second house... And another reason was that I was not getting any moral support from my husband for staying at home... Husband dear never once did express any appreciation for the things I was doing at home... Taking care of baby, managing home, maid hunting(I had to change atleast 10 maids in the last few months), etc. With all the crazy hormonal changes post-partum I was beginning to feel so let down.. I was wallowing in self pity while the husband never once did speak a kind word to me. All I got to hear from him was that I did not know to manage. All this changed so much when I got back to work.. My self esteem shot up..I enjoy the socializing at work more than my job.
But with my going back to work my home looks soooo neglected.. All the other three adults in my home seem to be messing it while I am the only one who is worried abt maintaining it.
I am feeling so guilty to write this coz my parents are doing so much for me.. My parents are literally running my home for me.. The only thing I am unhappy about is it is not being done the way I want... My mom is not the type who takes interest in household chores. She does things out of compulsion rather than being passionate about it. She would rather spend her time solving crosswords or surfing the net than do house work. While I am very passionate about doing things for my home...
My kitchen is a total mess... She cleans it every morning and then fills it up during the day..
Sometimes there is not an inch left in the kitchen counter... Milk packets lying here, vegetable peels lying there, a cup of water at the edge of the counter, milk in 3 different vessels...
I like the kitchen to be clean even during the process of cooking. I have had many arguments with my mom on this and she tells me that she can only do it this way. This irritates me coz when I want to do something in the kitchen I go mad seeing at the mess. I am not left with any space to even cut my salad.. The containers in the shelves are disaplaced and haphazardly placed.
My husband strews his clothes all over my home.... The couch in the living room is always filled with his laptop, books , newspapers leaving no room for anyone to sit.
My dining table is always cluttered. I shudder at the thought of inviting someone home. They might think really bad of me looking at my home. But at the same time I don't want to spend my time clearing the clutter that adults create... I can very gladly accept the fact the sonny needs his toys all over the place and I don't mind picking those a hundred times in a day. But I don't want to spend the precious time that I get to play with Sonny after my job to clean-up my home coz its going to get filled the same way in no time.
I am at the same tine feeling really awful... Can someone pls suggest how do I convince everyone in my home to maintain some sanity .
I am feeling so uncomfortable in the comforts of my own home.. I am having all that someone could ask for yet I am feeling that everything is wrong... Someone please help me sort the mess for I am going insane...
I got back to work last month... My sonny who is now 8 months still needs a lot of my time and attention... My parents are here with me to help me take care of sonny...
I initially wanted to take a break from work for a couple of years and be a stay at home mom..
But one reason why I had to get back was the huge mortgages that we have forced upon ourselves with buying a second house... And another reason was that I was not getting any moral support from my husband for staying at home... Husband dear never once did express any appreciation for the things I was doing at home... Taking care of baby, managing home, maid hunting(I had to change atleast 10 maids in the last few months), etc. With all the crazy hormonal changes post-partum I was beginning to feel so let down.. I was wallowing in self pity while the husband never once did speak a kind word to me. All I got to hear from him was that I did not know to manage. All this changed so much when I got back to work.. My self esteem shot up..I enjoy the socializing at work more than my job.
But with my going back to work my home looks soooo neglected.. All the other three adults in my home seem to be messing it while I am the only one who is worried abt maintaining it.
I am feeling so guilty to write this coz my parents are doing so much for me.. My parents are literally running my home for me.. The only thing I am unhappy about is it is not being done the way I want... My mom is not the type who takes interest in household chores. She does things out of compulsion rather than being passionate about it. She would rather spend her time solving crosswords or surfing the net than do house work. While I am very passionate about doing things for my home...
My kitchen is a total mess... She cleans it every morning and then fills it up during the day..
Sometimes there is not an inch left in the kitchen counter... Milk packets lying here, vegetable peels lying there, a cup of water at the edge of the counter, milk in 3 different vessels...
I like the kitchen to be clean even during the process of cooking. I have had many arguments with my mom on this and she tells me that she can only do it this way. This irritates me coz when I want to do something in the kitchen I go mad seeing at the mess. I am not left with any space to even cut my salad.. The containers in the shelves are disaplaced and haphazardly placed.
My husband strews his clothes all over my home.... The couch in the living room is always filled with his laptop, books , newspapers leaving no room for anyone to sit.
My dining table is always cluttered. I shudder at the thought of inviting someone home. They might think really bad of me looking at my home. But at the same time I don't want to spend my time clearing the clutter that adults create... I can very gladly accept the fact the sonny needs his toys all over the place and I don't mind picking those a hundred times in a day. But I don't want to spend the precious time that I get to play with Sonny after my job to clean-up my home coz its going to get filled the same way in no time.
I am at the same tine feeling really awful... Can someone pls suggest how do I convince everyone in my home to maintain some sanity .
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