Dilema of a Working Mom

I started working when sonny was 7 months old... Its been about 4 months now.. Though I am not working very long hours, I am still always ridden with the guilt of not spending enough time with him. My parents and father-in-law are with us... So he is dotted by 3 grandparents when my husband and I are away.... Somehow I still feel the need to be around to look after him..
I feel soooo guilty when on few occassions that I am really tired I wish sonny and I catch up some sleep in the evening instead of playing or going to the park. I feel soooo guilty when sonny wants to play with me in the morning and when its time for me to leave to work I just hand him over to my mother and leave... I am faced with the question of to work or not to work every single day... Sometimes I feel I will be a better mom if I am working... I did not get any kind of support from my husband the first 7 months I was at home and was longing for some company...
He wouldn't even care to spend some time in having a conversation with me or taking me and sonny out on weekends.
But I cheered up so much when I got back to work, met friends and socialised and am a happier person when I get back home...
And the pay check of course... I will not get money from my husband if he feels something does not have to be bought... As long as I am earning I have the ability to do things that I feel are a must must for the home... Ex: Glass casing a balcony to dry clothes during the rains, buying a pulley kind of cloth stand instead of struggling with sticks to dry clothes on rods high up in the balcony, etc, etc.. There are so many instances where I have bot things with my money to ease our life when husband would not agree to spend. I know I am trying to get the best of both worlds... A pay check and the ability to stay at home...Guess I need to explore some other career options as well :)

How do I set things right ?

My life is in a complete mess at the moment.. And my mind is craving for some peace.

I am feeling so uncomfortable in the comforts of my own home.. I am having all that someone could ask for yet I am feeling that everything is wrong... Someone please help me sort the mess for I am going insane...

I got back to work last month... My sonny who is now 8 months still needs a lot of my time and attention... My parents are here with me to help me take care of sonny...

I initially wanted to take a break from work for a couple of years and be a stay at home mom..

But one reason why I had to get back was the huge mortgages that we have forced upon ourselves with buying a second house... And another reason was that I was not getting any moral support from my husband for staying at home... Husband dear never once did express any appreciation for the things I was doing at home... Taking care of baby, managing home, maid hunting(I had to change atleast 10 maids in the last few months), etc. With all the crazy hormonal changes post-partum I was beginning to feel so let down.. I was wallowing in self pity while the husband never once did speak a kind word to me. All I got to hear from him was that I did not know to manage. All this changed so much when I got back to work.. My self esteem shot up..I enjoy the socializing at work more than my job.
But with my going back to work my home looks soooo neglected.. All the other three adults in my home seem to be messing it while I am the only one who is worried abt maintaining it.
I am feeling so guilty to write this coz my parents are doing so much for me.. My parents are literally running my home for me.. The only thing I am unhappy about is it is not being done the way I want... My mom is not the type who takes interest in household chores. She does things out of compulsion rather than being passionate about it. She would rather spend her time solving crosswords or surfing the net than do house work. While I am very passionate about doing things for my home...
My kitchen is a total mess... She cleans it every morning and then fills it up during the day..
Sometimes there is not an inch left in the kitchen counter... Milk packets lying here, vegetable peels lying there, a cup of water at the edge of the counter, milk in 3 different vessels...
I like the kitchen to be clean even during the process of cooking. I have had many arguments with my mom on this and she tells me that she can only do it this way. This irritates me coz when I want to do something in the kitchen I go mad seeing at the mess. I am not left with any space to even cut my salad.. The containers in the shelves are disaplaced and haphazardly placed.

My husband strews his clothes all over my home.... The couch in the living room is always filled with his laptop, books , newspapers leaving no room for anyone to sit.
My dining table is always cluttered. I shudder at the thought of inviting someone home. They might think really bad of me looking at my home. But at the same time I don't want to spend my time clearing the clutter that adults create... I can very gladly accept the fact the sonny needs his toys all over the place and I don't mind picking those a hundred times in a day. But I don't want to spend the precious time that I get to play with Sonny after my job to clean-up my home coz its going to get filled the same way in no time.

I am at the same tine feeling really awful... Can someone pls suggest how do I convince everyone in my home to maintain some sanity .

Indian Commode Vs Western Commode

One reason I love India ( amongst many other reasons ) is that we can wash ourselves clean after the job...Though I have enjoyed all my trips abroad the pain point during all my travels has been the tissue... However travelling to Japan was fun... They have water jets attached to the seat of the commode.. You can even adjust the temperature of the water...
We Indians are terrific when it comes to customizing.. Though most houses have now started using the western commode we ensure that we have a water faucet installed..
Anyways, my intention of writing this post is to compare the two commodes with respect to bringing up babies..
The Western Commode is amazing for cleaning soiled nappies... I just hold the soiled nappy on the pot and flush down all the waste using the water jet...
I just cannot think of any other way to clear the poo off the nappy... I don't think using a mug of water would be half as effective in pushing it down... But I guess the Indian Commode would be a wonderful choice when it comes to potty training the child..
Babies can squat just on one side and it would be easy on the mother to wash the child..No need to buy a potty for the baby or a toilet seat either..
In my house all our bathrooms have the western commode.. Not a good idea...I should have gone for atleast one Indian Commode...
I was cleaning PC's bottom with a wet cotton ball till he was about 4 months.. After that I have started washing him off... And it feels really clean... No diaper wipe would be so effective in getting this clean feeling...

In retrospect...

I have written here a long post on how upset I was with my husband's attitude during my pregnancy and delivery... Now that all my anger has been poured out I had to do a post on why I still love my dear husband and the ways in which he expresses his love for me...

A couple of days back one of my post-office investment done many years back was due for redemption.. The investment was done in my maiden name.. I did change my name after my marriage coz I wanted one name for the family.. I did not want my husband and children to have one name and me an altogether different name... So I sent all the investment documents alongwith the proof of name change with my husband.... He had to wait in all those endless queues and present my documents at the counter... He was then asked to get the original name change documents coz the authorities wanted to have a look at the originals...
He came back home all the way, took the originals, went back to the post-office again stood in those long queues and got the job done... He also dropped the cheque in my bank on his way back... The post office is a good 10km from my place and with all the traffic it was taking him 45 mins to an hour each way....He spent nearly 5 hours and got me my money....
All this inspite of the fact that we manage our investments separately... He could have very well asked me to get my money redeemed on my own...
I was saved all the trouble of going to the post-office where the crowd is something that I cannot handle...
The ways in which he expresses his love and care is not the kind where he presents me with roses and cards or takes me for candle-lit dinners...
When we were newly married he insisted that I learn to ride a two-wheeler so that I could be on my own. The public transport in the city that I live in is no good...
I didn't know cycling so the thought of riding a two-wheeler was scary...
He was more confident that he could teach me to ride than I was to learn to ride...
So we bought a brand new two-wheeler and he set to the task of teaching me... I was a very slow learner... He spent so many mornings in my two-wheeler lessons... He went to office without breakfast for days together during those days.. We would get up in the mornings, go for my lessons for an hour or so, come back and get ready and go to work... Once I got the balance getting me to ride on the roads was such a challenge for him.... All this while I was throwing tantrums that he was being cruel to me by asking me to ride on the roads in all the traffic...
He would hear nothing of all that... And well when I did started riding on my own it was as though I had grown wings... Life became so much easier when I did not have to depend on the auto guys... I would just take my bike and zip across the city to get my work done... All thanks to dear husband...
Our 5 years of marriage before I got pregnant was such a fun-filled roller-coaster ride... It was then that I realized that 5 years had fled by and I needed to start thinking about a baby...
We lived like bachelors the first 2 years of our marriage... A carefree life doing what we wanted to do.... We booked an under-construction apartment immediately after getting married and for the first 2 years lived in a small rented house... It was just like a bachelors paradise... I did not have the task of maintaining a big house...
We never cooked much at home... Breakfast was cereals, lunch was at work, dinner was maggi/cereals/upma at the max or eaten out...
We always ate out on weekends... We did try and maintain our health when eating out so much... It used to usually be dal roti or something healthy like palak paneer or so...
And our weekends were action packed... One day we stepped out of a restaurant after lunch and my husband just whisked me away for a long ride in his bike... We rode for atelast 50km before we decided to get back...Another time we went to fill up fuel for my two-wheeler and ended up making a tour of the city...
MM even today is not picky abt food... I am not a good cook and he has never complained abt it..
Dal, rice and sabji on a weekend is like a feast and is well appreciated...
Whatever simple things I make like idli/dosa and chutney is really relished...
He even praises my chutney to his family... He tells them that I make the best chutney on earth :)...
He has never let me down in front of his family... Always stands by me and creates a very good impression about me in their minds... I certainly feel I am blessed when he does that coz I am not the most dutiful DIL...
I had not done any kind of adventure activities till I was married to him... It started on right from our honeymoon... We had been to Goa... Our days were packed with sea-sports, parasailing, etc.. The best part of our trip was that we hired a Kine and explored so much of Goa on our own...Did not stay locked in our rooms and do what typical honeymooners ought to do ;)..
Again he took efforts to get me into car-driving... We hired a driver to teach me... He woke up early in the morning on his weekends and came along for the first few sessions till I was comfortable with the driver...
He always encourages me to do well in my career... He keeps saying that his dream is to see me as an Indira Nooyi or a Naina Lal Kidwai :))....
He initiated me into gymming and exercising and maintaining a healthy diet... I had never done any of this before my marriage...I am on the higher side of the scale... He came along and enrolled me in a gym and boy I had slimmed down so much during the first few months after my wedding... It felt so good to have a trim body...
He always comes along to buy my dresses, goes around the shop and picks something good...
I certainly like his choice of dresses for me...
I can go on and on and on with this....
To sum it up, he cannot express his love in mushy ways... On second thoughts I think it won't suit him either... I cannot imagine him going down on his knees, presenting me with a surprise gift, or doing any of those things that is said to woo a woman...
He is this rough and tough guy with his broad chest and well toned biceps..( Man he is damn serious about his work-outs).
So here while I am still very disappointed that I did not get that "special attention and care" during my pregnancy and delivery( that is going to last a lifetime :) ) I cannot help looking at the positive side of MM's personality and be happy that I have got him as my husband..
MM now does spend time with PC and its great fun to watch them play... MM holds PC by his two small legs and drags him all over the bed which PC enjoys so much...
While I was devastated with MM's behaviour in the initial days he is slowly compensating for them... And as I wrote in my last post I know he is going to make a terrific father for older babies..
I have to excuse him and look forward for brighter days :))... Is that what love is ? Accept someone as is, forgive and forget their shortcomings ?

Things my Prince Charming Loves to Do..

First 6 weeks, he just liked to feed, feed and feed... Boy, he wouldn't give me a break to visit the loo or have a shower..
I would just get about 10 minutes max for a shower and had to rush back to feed him..
After about 6 weeks, he used to smile once in a while... And that was just priceless :))
At about eight weeks he started producing some cooing sounds ... Listening to those coos were such a pleasure.
Then when he was about 10 weeks he started responding to our funny faces and funny noises giving us that invaluable smile..
At 3 and 4 months he enjoyed looking at himself in the mirror..One day I was giving him his oil massage and found him smiling away to glory... Then I realized that he was smiling at his image in the mirror :)
Probably he thinks himself to be a Greek God Incarnate :)).. He loves to be taken around the house, to the balconies .. He would cry his heart out when brought back to his bed... He also loves to go around in his stroller...
He loves pursing his lips and doing a "Prrrrrr" giving our faces a saliva shower ;)..
He loves it when I nudge his neck with my nose...

My breastfeeding experience.

Breast-feeding did not come easily to me.. My baby and I both struggled a lot to get it right.
I had a C-sec and the milk started setting in only on day 4. Till then my baby and I were struggling to latch on correctly. PC was not able to suck well and I did wasn't holding him right.
On day 4 a whole lot of milk came in and my breasts were too hard for him to latch on.
I was pumping milk using a machine in the hospital. I brought this up with my gyne as to how I would manage on going home.. She just brushed my fears aside and told me I would be fine..
But it was not so... I got discharged on the evening of day 4. The whole night was a struggle with my baby crying all along and me not able to feed him.. I rushed back to the hospital in the wee hours of morning and pumped some milk for PC. I also bought some big syringes from the hospital and used those for extracting milk thru the day. My the evening of day 5, I was writhing in pain with the use of the syringes and was going nuts.. I called up the doc and she asked me to either hand express or pump out some milk. I did not know the technique of expressing manually and my mom could not help me in anyway. I then sent my father to a baby store selling imported products to get an electric pump. The pump was damn expensive but it was a blessing on that day... On Day 5 and Day 6 I used the pump to get the milk out and feed PC.. Poor starving PC finally was getting food. The pump though very expensive was not hurting me much and hence I do not regret spending for it. After day 6, the excessive overflow of milk stopped and it was a regulated supply. I was able to directly feed PC . However I was holding him the wrong way and as a result stressing my back beyond words... I used to put him on a pillow, hold his head in my palm and bend forward to feed him.. PC was nursing for an hr and this was extremely hard on my back. We had to visit the paed. on day 6. PC was still losing weight. The doc gave me the number of a lactation consultant and asked me to visit her if I had any feeding issues. I thot it quite wierd to visit a lactation consultant.. When people for ages had fed their babies why couldn't I .. I thot it was just teething trouble and we would be fine soon.
However I was quite wrong.. Feeding was getting tougher by the day... I bending down to feed him and the feeding sessions lasting 45 minutes every hour or two.
I pulled along for the next 4-5 days when PC started biting my nipples with his sharp jaws.
I was surprised to find that a new-born could bite me so hard with his jaws... His jaws were razor sharp and my nipples got really sore... I was dreading every feeding session which is when I decided that I could not take it in my stride any more and rushed to the lactation consultant..
She spent just about half an hour with me and taught me the tricks of the trade.. She taught me two very comfortable positions. One where I could lean back on a couch or against a wall while feeding him and two lying down sideways and feeding him...I regretted having delayed in visiting her. I could have avoided all the tensions and stress and PC's incessant wails if I had gone to her the previous week. My problem seemed solved at that moment... Little did I anticipate more issues in feeding.. PC was feeding all the time...From whatever I read I thot babies fed every 2-3 hours.. But PC would hardly give me a break of 30 minutes at the max.
He would not quiet down by walking him around or rocking him or singing to him and everyone at home would demand that I feed him..I was going crazy feeding him all the time..
He was hardly sleeping when I thot new-borns slept for 18-20 hours.. He would however sleep well after a drive.. I would beg my husband to take us for a drive so that I could get some rest atleast for a couple of hours but he never did that....
My mother was of the opinion that I was not generating enough milk and hence he was feeding all the time.. She was strongly suggesting starting some substitute food.. She even discussed the matter with my maid who also told her that babies cry all the time if the mother did not have enough milk.... So there I was.... with no support from my husband to get some rest and a mother who was advocating all the time to start a feed or two of Lactogen and a newborn crying all thru the day and night. However I have to mention the support I got from my younger brother. He was the only one who seemed to understand me. He is far away in the US. How I wish he was near me at that time.. I would speak to him for hours about my issue. And he would always encourage me. My younger brother is a very well read person, so no surprises on how he could advice on breastfeeding :))
I had a steely resolve that my baby would get only breastmilk for 6 months. MY ONLY ANSWER TO EVERYONE WHO TOLD ME I DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH MILK WAS THAT IF WOMEN ON THE ROADS IN INDIA CAN EXCLUSIVELY BREASTFEED SO CAN I.... I was too determined to exclusively breastfeed and the Scorpion that I am, I did not allow anyone to change my mind, not even my mother though I was very very irritated with her constantly repeating that I was not producing enough milk and the baby was starving without substitute food.
I would feed him as much as I could and then hand him over to my father or mother when I was too tired... He would continue to bawl but I would deny feeding him to get the much needed rest.
My father and mother would try their best to quiet him...

We again visited the paed. on Day 24. PC had still not reached his birth weight by then and this was a cause for concern and also caused a lot of tension at home... I was blamed for denying him the feeds at times... But nothing made me change my mind and start substitute food.
I again went to the lactation consultant the same evening... She was a very sweet doc who would patiently understand my issues and give me solutions. I trusted her the most to get me out of my problem..She explained to me that I was a feeding machine for the first 2 months and there was nothing wrong if the baby demanded long feeds.

I then decided to feed him as much as he demanded... The night feedings were the longest...
I would start at 11pm and feed him till 3 am after which he would sleep for a couple of hours..
I was literally feeding him all the time maybe for about 20-21 hrs in a day... I searched the web and found other women in such situations too.. So I just dumped the idea of feeding every 2-3 hours and nursed as long as PC wanted to....
PC's weight then started going up..... And in a few days time he was picking very well...
He reached his average weight when he was about 6 weeks.. And by 10 weeks he had gone well above his average weight... All this by exclusive breast feeding...
The feeding frequency did come down after about 8 weeks. After that nursing him was no longer an issue...He would nurse only every 2-3 hours and the nursing sessions also lasted only for 10-15 minutes. The poor baby had to feed all the time initially to achieve the regular growth and also to catch up on his lost weight.
Today the paed. keeps complimenting me that both of us have done a wonderful job.
So all those mothers who have decided to breastfeed, please stick to your decision. Don't allow anyone to change your mind..Be patient and things will definitely settle down.
I am so glad that I did not for a second think about alternate feeding... I am soo glad that I nursed him to good health... I am so glad that I did not heed to my mother's advice, ignored my husband's lack of support and did what I wanted to.

Great Expectations....

I have completed 6 years of marriage and am still to understand my husband in many ways.We think poles apart on certain subjects.. I am sure he thinks the same way too.I am going to use this space to vent some feelings which I can't share with anyone I know.Let me warn those reading this post that this is going to be a loooonnnng rant. My husband is quite a rough and tough guy. Going forward I am going to refer to him as the Macho Man i.e. MM. I am a mushy and romantic kind of a person...The things he would love to do with me are - running a marathon, doing a heavy workout in a gym, trekking, rapelling, etc, etc....i.e. all sorts of adventure stuff.The things I would like to do with him are - holding hands and going for long walks, watching the sunrise and sunset, watching the moon and counting starts on a clear night, sipping a hot cup of tea on a rainy evening and watch the rains.I am sure you are wondering what brought us together. Okay we have different personalities, different interests that does not mean we do not love each other.... I have learnt to understand him and deal with him most of the time... However, I longed to get that "special attention" during my pregnancy and delivery and wished he could atleast pretend to be all mushy and romantic at that time. However, he behaved far from it and yes i am very much disappointed about it for a life time..I know my husband would make a terrific father once our child is about 3 or 4 years of age. But he definitely didn't do very well in handling the first few weeks.I wanted this to be "our pregnancy" and "our delivery". But it turned out to be "my pregnancy" and "my delivery".Starting from rubbing my back to visiting the gyne.... I had to literally beg him to rub my back when my backache was getting from bad to worse. He did it sometimes after a lot of coaxing.. But many a times I had to do it on my own... I wanted him to accompany me for the regular check-ups so that both of us got involved in this whole thing right from the start.He did accompany me a few times. But it was as though he was doing me a big favor by coming along with me after which I stopped asking him to come along and did the visits on my own.My requests for attending pre-natal classes together was just rubbished off.How I longed him to come home in the evening and atleast check on me as to how I was doing and if I wanted anything... The longings just remained so..Disclosing the news was such a big issue... He wanted to disclose the news even to the family only after 3 months. I did not have a very bad first trimester but I used to feel terrible in the evenings after getting back from work... All alone at home and with nothing to eat just made it worse.. I would feel so down and so desparately wanted to talk to someone abt it...I used to call him, but he used to invariably be busy in meetings and used to not pick my calls.Finally I could take it no longer and told my mom abt it... Breaking the news to my mom was such a hard thing.... I could not rejoice telling this to my mom coz I knew all hell would break loose when my husband got to know abt it. And sure it did.. He was very upset when he got to know that I had shared the news with my parents. We did not speak to each other for about 2 weeks, slept separately and there I lay on the bed all alone crying all night.

I would have not told them had he lent me a little support at that time... Trying and coming home a little early, getting some spicy thing for me to bite or at the least answering my calls when I was really down.

After this episode I refrained from even sharing the news with my dearest brother till I completed the first trimester.... My brother does not speak out his mind but I am sure he would have felt bad that I delayed sharing the news for so long... I would probably too if my brother did not share his joyous moments with me...My husband's relation with his sister and father is very different from what I share with my parents and brother.. They have a very practical, matter of fact kind of relationship...Whereas my brother and I trust each other a lot, share our joys, our sorrows, ask each other for advice....I could have easily shared the news with my parents and brother and asked them to keep mum about it... But I am not of the type who can do things behind my husband's back... I have not lied to him so far... If I start hiding things from him or lying to him even on petty matters I would be spoiling the meaning of our relationship....So I walk upto him and tell him what I have done and then face the consequences..... Sometimes I really wonder if I should be taking so much pain for being so open.. I appreciate my husband also being open to me... He does not lie to me too and is open about what he does... The only difference is if I am upset about something that he has done, he knows how to talk me into accepting that he is right... I am not the kind of person who can argue endlessly so I just give in and accept it even though I feel otherwise at the back of my mind.I slowly learnt to deal my pregnancy on my own most of the times...rubbing my aching back, visits to the gyne, et all.. He did however make it a point to come for the scans...I guess he loved watching our little baby inside my womb..I still wanted him to participate in my delivery.... I wanted to have a normal delivery and had asked the doc to let him into the LnD room. I wanted to deliver holding his hand...A lot of my male friends had been a part of their wives delivery and the look on their faces when they described it was priceless... So I wanted MM also to be there with me and experience it with me.However I had to go thru an emergency C and he had to wait outside the OT.During my stay at the hospital he used to visit me for sometime, hold the baby for a while, talk to me casually and leave.. Never once did he come near me, hold my hand and check on how I was doing or what I was going thru. It felt like a distant relative visiting and not like the husband and father visiting wife and son.The worst was when I got home... I was confined to one of our bedrooms most of the time..He used to stay quite away from me and the baby... My baby used to cry most of the times... My mom used to keep up all night along with me. My father used to wake up at 2 am and 3 am and offer to hold the baby and pacify him... But my husband used to shut himself in his room and go off to sleep...I do understand that he needed to work the next day so it was essential for him to get some rest.. Atleast he could have offered to help during weekend nights... Not a single night did he do that.

He generally gets home pretty late... Say about 9 or 9.30 pm... Ever since he has got his laptop, he is generally on it immediately after getting home... At times he does get home early these days but only to either switch on his laptop or switch on the TV.. And if I complain that he is not spending enough time, he tags me as a nagging wife and tells me that I am not happy even if he is home early.. He does not understand that getting home early and sitting on the laptop is not what I am asking for...I am also a thorough professional with 9 years of industry experience. I do understand the issue of late night conf. calls, getting home work at times and all the things you need to do to stay in the rat race... Yet I try and achieve a work-life balance..One has to draw a line somewhere and not let work and life merge with each other... When I explain this to him he replies that I am not serious about my career and am not trying hard to grow up the ladder. Its not that I am not serious about my career. I take only so much work so that I can have some personal time.. I don't like to be busy all the time... I like to spend time with friends and family.
I can write pages on this topic so let me keep this for a separate post. Let me continue with what I looked forward during my delivery days.
So here while I was up all days and night and managing a newborn my husband went around with life as usual... My life had comepletly changed whereas he continued to live pretty much the same life what he had before the little one arrived... Working long hours at office, getting back home and logging back to work, watching TV, etc, etc... I mean he did not have to sacrifice anything coz the baby had come while I had to time even my basic necessities such as visits to the loo, my bath, mealtimes,etc as per the baby's schedule...
I totally agree that a mother has a much larger role to play in the birth of the baby... And I am not cribbing about having to play the role of the mother... I was glad to change my schedule to suit the baby... I was glad to miss a bath or postpone a visit to the loo...What I only wanted was some recognition and appreciation for the things I was doing and some moral support from my husband.... MM would tell me that I was taking this whole thing too far and did not know how to handle it... That I was too fussy around the new-born and did not have to pay so much attention to PC... What did he mean... Did he at all realize the things I was having to do...Forget the appreciation part, he was blaming that I did not know to manage a new born...
Did he expect me to leave a newborn to bawl while I went about doing things that I pleased.. No he wouldn't do that either..He was tired of the non-stop crying especially during the nights. And he would insist that I nurse him to keep him quiet.... He never once gave a thought as to how the never ending nursing sessions affected me and if I needed a break and if he could help me in any way. He even did not consider helping me out by taking us out for a small drive so that the baby could sleep and I could get some rest..His excuse all the time was that he had a very hectic day at work and after getting home in all that traffic he did not have any energy left...
When I mentioned to him that he did not participate enough his answer was that women make it to their parents place for delivery and spent the first three months there... Husbands generally don't get involved during those days.. I didn't quite expect that !!! Here I had denied my mothers request to go to my hometown for the delivery since I wanted to be with my husband and had dreamt of delivering holding his hand.
And if I still insisted that he try and pacify the baby all he would do was to give some honey to a few days old infant... The baby would stop crying for a while when given honey but I felt it was certainly not a wise idea to use honey to quiet a new-born... So in the end I gave up the idea of asking him to help me out....
My baby had a problem with weight gain initially and would feed endlessly... One day I was so tired that I broke down and started crying... My husband hates it when I cry... He is of the opinion that women have an easy way out by crying in difficulties whereas men cannot do that...
So whenever I cry instead of trying and pacifying me he kind of reacts to it very harshly and shouts at me to stop crying... I am not a person who cries at the drop of a hat... I cried that day coz I was so worn out... Far from getting any sympathy all that I got to hear from MM was that I did not behave maturedly...He kept blaming me till I asked him to walk out of my sight...
And to top it all he would always take an example of his aunt handling her infants...
I have no complaints with the way his aunt brought up her kids... But she had been in a village all throughout and did things the best way she knew.. I am a city bred girl and have a different perception of things.... I cannot be compared to her and be asked to do the same things she did...
I was compared right from the usage of nappies, sterilizations, sanitising the nappies in dettol and hot water, etc.... MM would tell me that I was crazy to sterilize the pump and bottles whenever I had to express some milk..That I did not have to buy cotton nappies from a baby store and instead should use old rags as nappies... That I did not have to sanitise the nappies by rinsing them in hot water and dettol before a wash and should directly load the used nappies into the washing machine... That I did not have to clean the babies poopy bottom with a wet cotton ball and should just wipe it off in the nappy.
That his aunt never did this and that and still brought up her kids...
I was so tired of explaining to him, arguing with him on these topics that finally I gave up talking to him on that... I would tell him that I am not asking you to do anything so please leave me to do things the way I please.
Another thing that he would keep telling me was that I should express some milk at times so that I could take a break from nursing... I knew this fact that I could get a break if I could express some milk... But my baby was feeding every 1/2 hour so there was no milk left for expressing... I could successfully express only if there was a 2 hour gap in between feeds.
I had tried manual as well as machine expressing but could only manage a few drops.
My mother slept in the same room that I slept with the baby for the first 2 months...
She was up all night when I needed her... One day she had a bad back... So I asked her to sleep in another bedroom and asked MM to sleep with me and the baby...I just casually complained to MM that the feeding sessions were never ending and that I was getting too tired... We got into an argument from there...He again started blaming me that I was not handling things well...
He started comparing feeding with Project Management... That I had to time it and plan a strategy for it... That I had to express milk and take a break when required... That his aunt did that and she had never cried for bringing up a newborn.
I was sooooo pissed off that I started yelling at him... All this was not working... I had tried expressing milk but could not... I had tried to time the feeding sessions but could not.. There was no strategy I could plan for feeding.. I had to do it whenever the baby demanded...
We were lashing out at each other so loudly well past midnight that my parents came running to calm us... I was bawling...My mom regretted having asked my husband to sleep with me and the baby...
We did not speak to each other for 4 days after that... He did not even look at me or the baby for those 4 days... My parents were feeling so miserable that they would coax me to patch up with him... They would hold the baby out for him when he got home but he would just ignore and get into his room... My parents felt so bad that he was not even looking at the baby...
But I didn't care... I could not bring myself to coax him to calm down... There was no reason I needed to do that... If he didn't care so didn't I....
Things settled down in between us after that... But I have learnt a lot on how I need to deal with my husband... If he does not want a caring wife so be it... If he wants a tough woman I can be that too... But he cannot expect me to be tough and yet do things that I earlier did for him....
For all these years I did his laundry, folded his clothes, maintained his cupboards, waited for him for dinner, if he was very late and I had finished my dinner I would wait to heat the food and serve him, never slept before he came, even if he was tied up in some project deadlines and returned home at 2 am I would stay awake to speak a few words to him...
For the last 3 months, I haven't asked him to do a thing for me....I have also stopped the things that I was doing for him... His laundry gets piled for days together... His washed clothes are strewn all over the bed.. His cupboard is a mess...But I just don't feel like moving a finger to help him out... I no more run out to the living room to greet him when he is home... I don't make an effort to chat with him atleast for a few minutes in a day.... I no more call to find out when he is coming home. I no more complain when he gets home and immediately logs on...
I don't grumble when he takes a 2 hour afternoon nap on weekends inspite of sleeping a whole night and while I have hardly caught any sleep... I am used to him being away for 3 hours on weekend evenings for his workout. This reminds me of another incident...
A friend of his had called to check if she could visit us to meet the baby... She is a very good natured lady and I like her family of husband and 2 kids... MM was not in a position to answer his cell when she called so he asked me to speak to her... I gladly invited her and asked her to come home... MM was very upset that I invited her over without checking with him... He was upset that he would have to miss his weekend heavy work out session... He said that he was not going to miss that and stay back at home.. So I had 2 options, either to call her back and let her know that we had other plans or entertain them on my own...I tried to reason with him that when a baby has arrived friends do visit and weekend evenings are generally the most suited times.. This i thot was crazy... HIS friend called HIM on HIS cell which HE asked ME to answer... I was at home for days together without any social life... And the thought of someone nice coming home seemed so good that in my euphoria I just asked her to come over without checking with MM... I chose the option of entertaining them on my own though I knew it was going to be a little akward... And sure enough the friend did ask for MM as soon as she came home... I made some kinda excuse that since there was sometime before she came MM wanted to go for a jog... I had a great time that day... MM did manage to get home a few minutes before they left...
On another ocassion I asked MM to take me out on a weekend evening for which he replied "Let me See".... I immediately understood his answer was "NO".... So I just left it at that...
And as expected he went away for his usual workout .

These days my baby keeps me occupied most of the time.. And I cannot thank God enough that my parents are there with me to help me out... MM is usually his busy self on weekdays and weekends leading pretty much the same life he led before the arrival of PC...
I am a changed person who has learnt to deal better with MM.... Not affected in the least by his busy schedule... I am enjoying my slow paced life at home... Extended my leave for another 3 months... Not packing my leave with stuff to do... MM's advice was that I should try and use my maternity leave to do some part-time mgmt course... Gladly enough I am not taking any more of his advice unless I am fully convinced.. I am yet to recover my lost sleep and doing some studies at this time is the last thing on my mind... I have learnt not to react to MM and just let things which does not sound good to me to fall on deaf ears.

However I need to mention some good things abt MM tooo.. He is the one who cuts the baby's nails... I cannot muster the courage to do that.... But right from day one it was always MM who did the nail cutting.. When PC got to 3 months MM started spending time with him.. He teaches PC novel things and PC does pick it up.... MM could entertain PC in ways which I could not even think of... He taught PC to purse his lips and do a "Prrrrrrr" and PC has picked that up so well.. He practices it all the time... With a lot of saliva too :) Anyone who is near PC when he does his "Prrrrr" is in for a good saliva shower :))....
PC and MM bond really well... PC does recognise his father and loves to play with him...

For those who have read this far, I am not going to screw my relation with my husband in anyway.... I still love him and I know he does love me tooo.... And as I wrote before I know he is going to make a fantastic father for older babies... Getting them initiated into sports/adventure, boosting their self confidence, bringing them up in a way that they leave a mark in the world..
MM is a very good human being.... He has good values, terrific confidence, never lies, owns up his mistakes though he knows to justify his stand...

If you are wondering why I cribbed so much then that is coz I did not get the emotional support that I was yearning for and I wanted to vent out my feelings....MM failed miserably in handling the first few days post-delivery...But I need to accept that as his shortcoming and move forward...
I have evolved into a much stronger individual... Independant and Confident...Never to shed a tear.. MM always wanted me to be like that... I have gone thru a complete personality transformation..I no more yearn for those mushy romantic moments coz I know there is no point longing for it when I very well know I cannot expect it from him..
I don't run to open the door when he gets back from work to give a warm smile and place a kiss on his cheek and hug him... I did that for 6 years ....

I do have an intention to have another baby to complete our family... Sometimes I wonder that if its a girl will MM soften up ?? :) Maybe or maybe not... Either he could soften up or she could end up being as tough as him... My poor son-in-law :))...Anyways I am thinking too far...
But I have already resolved that if I get pregnant again I am going to deal with it all by myself...
Never once am I going to ask him for any help, any gyne visits or so....
I probably might even decide to go to my mother's place for the first 3 months or even if I stay back at my place I am not allowing him anywhere near the Labor and Delivery Room...

Looking back on this whole thing I had 2 choices.... 1. Keep whining about what went wrong and feel miserable for a lifetime... or 2. Accept the fact that I cannot change certain individualistic traits and learn to live with it or rather live around it...
I am glad I chose the second one... Otherwise I could have possibly ended up in a broken family and that was something that I don't want at all...
I was brought up in a very close knit family and I want to provide my children with the same environment...